I recently had the misfortune of reading the WallStreetInsanity “article” (and by article, I actually mean emergency toilet paper) entitled ‘50 Things Every Woman Should Realize About Men‘. How original, right? It’s not as though we’ve seen these sorts of articles A THOUSAND TIMES REMOVED. Thank goodness someone had the good sense to write it!
If you have a few minutes, and want to read something that will make you determined to scoop at your eyeballs with a lemon baller, go ahead and read that shit. I dare you.
Now, maybe it’s just me – except I’m certain that it most definitely isn’t – but I am entirely sick of women and men telling each other what they totally, totally need to know in order to not instantly attempt to murder your opposite-sex buddy by hitting them repeatedly over the head with the entire collection of ‘Lost’. I think there are several, totally legitimate reasons for this, too. So now you get to indulge in my long, bullet-pointed rant about why those totally suck (the irony), and are totally useless for all of humanity. You lucky, lucky bastard!
- They’re heteronormative. Coming from the perspective of being partial to a bit of lesbianism (no bisexuality doesn’t make me indecisive or greedy, nay-sayers!), these lists do absolutely nothing for me. I don’t automatically assume that having a vagina means I know exactly what the thoughts and needs of all my fellow women are. This is especially true in their relationships, because those are super complicated things. I know, I’ve had a few. So, tell me, where are the articles for same-sex couples saying “here’s how to tell what the hell they’re screaming at you for”? Or are those relationships just so freaking awesome that they don’t need them?Never fear, I know the answer! Those articles don’t exist because…
- They assume that men and women speak a different language. Now, I can certainly see why the authors of these articles think this, because sometimes on the surface it sure as hell looks like we don’t understand each other. Here’s an interesting idea though – what if the supposed differences between men and women, actually resulted from this very sentiment itself. WHOA! HEAVY, RIGHT? Society has been telling men and women to act, think, and feel differently for centuries. You can hardly be surprised that some men and women might outwardly seem to be wholly different, considering. But what you can do to start moving away from this is to just treat them like a normal freaking human being, like you treat everyone else. You know, if you feel sometimes like you don’t understand what your partner is saying, it’s totally okay to calmly ask for clarification. Getting to know their communication style is kinda a big part of being in a long, good quality relationships. Try it. It’s relationship counselling approved advice.
- They assume men are simple, lazy and sex-obsessed. I can’t help but feel sorry for the people that write these articles, because they have so little faith in men. They talk about their lack of ability to sustain attention in anything that isn’t TV, their desires to bang literally anything with a pulse (sometimes maybe even without a pulse), their desires for constant external validation of their masculinity, and how they basically will never overcome their shortcomings and understand the opposite sex so they aren’t going to try.
I don’t know how many males these people know, but none of this is true at all. Yes, I realize by saying this I’m opening myself up to a stream of comments by similar men and women with low self-esteem who will endlessly wail that it TOTALLY IS TRUE, DAMMIT. Except it isn’t. Men aren’t born these simple, sex-obsessed neanderthals, and it isn’t hard-wired into their brains. Trust me, I literally study this shit. Some men become this way because of the insane pressure we’re all under to conform to these ridiculous and unhealthy gender norms. Speaking of which…
- They assume women are hysterical, complex, stupid and sexless. Do we even need to talk about this one? I mean, surely we all know the many, many reasons why this is utter horseshit. Women and men are equally as fucked up, peeps. We’re all horny beings of reasonable intelligence, who are insanely complicated (again, I am a psychology student, so you can trust me!) and occasionally prone to stupidity and hysterics. Deal with it.
- But women need to take charge, because men are incapable or too busy. Forget your day jobs ladies (what am I talking about, of course women don’t work!), you need to help this broken heap of junk take charge of his life and his relationship! What do you mean you aren’t a qualified counselor?! Hop to it woman! He’s a very busy man, with lots of beer-drinking and TV watching to do (at least according to the author of this particular article), and this comes before any hobbies, achievements or career goals of your own obviously.
- He doesn’t need to change, but she definitely does. You can’t change a man, ladies; the only way to make your relationship work is to simply accept him for who he is unquestioningly. (I mean, I’m not sure if those rules extend to situations where he’s a murderer or a drug dealer or domestic abuser, but I think it’s safe to assume so.) Ladies, you just have to try and fit yourself around his wants, needs and interests – while forsaking your own. Because he doesn’t like how you are, but you have to like every inch of how he is. SOUNDS LEGIT!
- The identity of women is completely muddled with those of men. I’m sure you were getting this impression anyway, but you’re right – to be a content woman, you have to have a content man. Which often means sacrificing the things you like doing, like maybe your job, or seeing your friends (especially those straight male ones these articles loathe), or not having babies, or not getting married, maybe even that haircut that you think makes you look kinda cute. Because men are the masters, obviously, so they’re more important than that. Shut up and make them some sandwiches already.
There are SO many more reasons to hate these things, but so little time. The moral of the story is that absolutely none of these things make healthy relationships with anyone ever, so can we just quit it please? Can we move the fuck on?!